let go

Now, let me start out by saying that there is a {strong} possibility that this post will be winding, meander a bit, probably get off track and will definitely be emotional, but please bear with me...that's just the kind of girl I am.

Some of you have been following our {in}fertility journey closely but others of you may be new to our story, so let me recap just a little bit...

In the summer of 2004 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome {PCOS}, which you can learn more about here and find support for here.  This is the most common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age and a leading cause of infertility in women.  Studies also show that it is genetic; my mother and sister both have it.  In addition, my {step}sister Cora has been diagnosed with it, but more on that later!

November 2008: Dee and I had been trying for almost a year to have a baby without success.  My OB/GYN had suggested that summer that we talk to a Reproductive Endocrinologist {RE} and scheduled an appointment for us.  After meeting with the RE in November I was scheduled to take Provera {to bring on my cycle}and then Clomid {to increase my chances of ovulating}.  Just an aside, Clomid is the same medicine that Kate {of John and Kate Plus 8 fame} took, so potentially powerful stuff!

We decided to wait until after our holiday trip home to NY before we started our treatments.  Unfortunately, this cycle was a bust for us due to previous gall bladder issues I had which were dormant for about a year.  It seems the stress of the treatments or perhaps the Clomid aggravated the issues.

From the time that we stopped our treatments till now I have had my gall bladder out {May 2009} and we have struggled with continued increases in insurance {which doesn't cover ANY fertility treatments regardless} and many of the same financial issues that other families are facing now.  We have looked into the possibility of adoption as well as fostering during this time too.

So, that takes us up to this past Friday {September 3}...

I celebrated my 34th birthday at the end of August and feel like my time and chances are running out.  Dee and I go back and forth about all of this:  It's a struggle because I know that things are very tight and that a child can be expensive, but I tell him all the time that I don't want to get to the end of my life and regret that I never got to be a mom.  I try to keep one foot in his realistic world and the other in mine.

Sometimes I get so fixated on bringing a child with Dee's beautiful eyes, curly hair and awesome computer skills combined with my Hobbit feet, musical prowess and love of reading into God's great universe that I can't take one more conversation about how unrealistic it might be right now...

I know that this is a struggle for Dee too; I know that even in his straight forward thinking mind, filled with talk of bills and thoughts of affording diapers, food and clothes for a baby that he wants to be a Daddy again.

Where were we?  Oh yes, this past Friday...

So it was back to our wonderful RE {Dr. Kenneth Steingold, who you can find out more about here.  He practices at The Fertility Institute of Virginia and I highly recommend their services if you are in the Richmond area}.

After a long conversation with him {because you know I'm a talker} here is our plan:

1.} I will increase my Metformin to three times a day.

2.} Dee will have some testing done to make sure his diabetes hasn't caused any issues.

3.} I'll take the Provera again for 10 days to bring on my cycle.

4.} The next step is the Clomid which was VERY difficult to endure last time {some of the classic side effects which I had during our first cycle included: hot flashes, mood swings and nausea...oh my!}.

5.  In the event that we do not get pregnant on this cycle then I will have to have blood work done to see if     the Clomid is doing it's job and causing me to ovulate.

So, there it is in a nutshell...granted, a very large one!  

Right now I'm trying to stay as positive as possible...I try to count my blessings and be grateful for my family and friends as well as my career and the great things in my life, but it's hard...

I feel like this a lot:

Every time I watch that video I feel a gut reaction...I could have written that song, word for word.  

I know that God has a plan for us but I pray everyday that His plan brings us a child, no matter how that happens, whether it be ours biologically or by the grace of adoption.  These are times that test my faith and I hope that I can move beyond my fear, sadness, guilt and anger to a place where I can let go and let God...

When I watched this video at Women of Faith 2009 and it reached 1:40 I remember all the air rushing out of me and once I recovered, just sobbing...that word, that women...that's me.  I pray every day that God will grant us a miracle whether by bringing a baby into our lives or healing my heart so that I can move on...so that I can truly believe that word does not define me...so I can see that I was made to fill a purpose that only I can...so I can see God's amazing plan He had for us all along.

Should you have any extra prayers, positive thoughts or baby dust you'd like to send our way, it would be very much appreciated.  I hope you'll continue to follow our journey as we make our way through whatever lies ahead...thank you for being there for us and being our biggest supporters.  No matter what happens, God has blessed us with the miracle of you...

Oh, and by the way:

This amazing little man, otherwise known as Nate the Great...

...he belongs to my sister Cora {Remember her from before?}...he is one of God's most beautiful miracles...and he is proof that PCOS doesn't always win!  So take THAT PCOS!!!  {Karate Chop}